That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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