Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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