we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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