The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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