he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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