You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
