I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You took a bar mat shot.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
