he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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