Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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