oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
