How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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