I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
