Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
