our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If I die, sorry about rent.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
