Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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