I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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