Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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