you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
