I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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