Cold hands, warm shart.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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