So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
