I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
