he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
