normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
