apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
