my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
