Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
