i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
