My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
