WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
