I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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