Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
