So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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