Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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