I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
