I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
