I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
