I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
