Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
