My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
