Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
