Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
