There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
