Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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