cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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