Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
