im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
