i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
