Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
