i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
