you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
