Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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