Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
